PRO

It’s morning in America — that is to say, autumn. Because really, what is autumn without pumpkin spice? Dreary, brown, aflush with applications and standardized tests, why it might as well be winter. Today more men and women will go to Starbucks than ever before in our country’s history. And with interest levels for PSLs at record highs, they can be confident in the future of this sweet, delicious brew.

Pumpkin spice represents a singular touchpoint that all true Americans know and love: the product of a proud American brand with humble origins in Seattle, a small business’s vision that, through hard work and relentless dedication, won the hearts of the nation.

Truly, pumpkin spice is emblematic of everything that is American: a diverse set of global spices, blended together into a single utterly addictive and unmistakable flavor, now spreading rapidly throughout the world.

There exist naysayers among us, those would poison or destroy our caffeine supply with non-pumpkin spice flavors. To these such individuals I say, do you hate America? Close your eyes, part your lips and take a sip. It’s morning in your mouth.

CON

There is a spectre haunting America. — the orange-tinged spectre of pumpkin spice. The time has come for every caffeine-lover, from the frappuccino dilettante to the black coffee addict,  to come together and save our collective taste buds from their impending saccharine demise.

This misleadingly-named “pumpkin” spice flavor has invaded every aspect of our lives. There are pumpkin spice almonds, yogurt, Oreos, Pringles, lasagna, protein powder, air freshener, bar soap, vodka, assorted apparel, the indomitable march of pumpkin spice continues. Since its release in 2003, Starbucks has sold over 200 million PSLs.

In a decade, pumpkin spice has become emblematic of fall as a whole, which is rendered especially ridiculous by the fact that “pumpkin spice” (all spice, nutmeg, cinnamon) is available year-round.

No longer can we sit idly by and let this cloyingly manufactured flavor maintain its annual chokehold on our tastebuds. Pumpkin spice placates us – in its sugary haze, we forget the drive to experience novel flavors, the yearning for culinary greatness. Pumpkin spice is the opiate of the masses.

I remember a time when fall was about running through leaves, slow-cookers, scarves and sweaters, not the relentless pursuit of “limited-edition” pumpkin spice Oreos. Don’t we deserve that kind of fall? Don’t we deserve better than pumpkin spice?

So I entreat you: join me in reclaiming fall from our pumpkin spice overlords. We have nothing to lose but our chains.

This piece was originally published in the pages of The Winged Post on October 11, 2016.