Some of our most beloved childhood memories stem from the month of gluttony following Halloween, the one night our parents allowed us to unquestioningly accept candy from strangers. Returning to our houses at hours beyond our normal bedtimes, a frenzy of candy-swapping would ensue. Being the kid who snagged the most Kit Kats, Starbursts and Sour Patch Kids immediately made you the ultimate candy delegator. Yet inevitably, we would always be left with the candy that would not be eaten until our most desperate moments as the end of our candy supply drew near. Since I was too old and too socially conscious to go out trick-or-treating this year, and at 17 it is illegal for me to do so in some cities, here is a guide to sort out the bad candies this year.

Dots

Let’s start off with one of the worst offenders. Dots are really misleading. Their vibrant rainbow coloring draws you in, creating really high expectations of fruity goodness for what is in reality such a let down. If you’ve never had a Dot[s?], try thinking back to a time you ate an oversized, stale, tasteless gummy bear that was lightly coated in a dusting of chalk. That is exactly what a Dot tastes like. It’s not good. Throw in the risk of near-suffocation and losing teeth pulled out by mangled gummy entrails and Dots are a serious health hazard. At the very least, they are most certainly not dot-shaped. Nothing about them makes sense.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons

Whoppers

These are a whopping disappointment. They start out great; chocolate is always a plus, but it takes only milliseconds after biting into the awkward texture of their confusing centers to initiate immediate feelings of regret. I’m not entirely sure what malt is, but I do know that the ambiguous, salty aftertaste of these little balls of sadness make me question a lot of my life choices.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons

Almond Joys

Seriously? Who thought these were a good idea? I would really like to know. The only joyous thing about eating an Almond Joy is finishing it so you can get through grieving for your taste buds faster. I often forget how truly awful these things are and foolishly try one thinking that this time, maybe this time, it won’t be that bad. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do in these cases is to quickly dispose of the wrapper and try to forget the entire experience. The proportion of chocolate to sickeningly sweet faux coconut interior with a toothpaste-like consistency is probably one of the most inhumane things on the planet. And then they throw almonds into the mix? I will never understand.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons

Twizzlers

If anyone ever really wanted to put me through intense mental and physical anguish, forcing me to eat a handful of Twizzlers would probably be their best bet. There is just no point to Twizzlers when their main competitor, Red Vines, is just clearly superior. Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure that the FDA has really approved these to be fit for human consumption. With a texture and taste reminiscent of a red rubber spatula, I don’t know why these are still being made.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons