Do the words “Harker Homecoming” fill you with dread? Do you cringe at the idea of being surrounded by a crowd of people who are not part of your Physics study group? Do you feel the compulsion to analyze the rhyme scheme in Nicki Minaj songs?

With Harker Homecoming approaching, you might be thinking, “Wow, I do not have the social skills to survive the dance.” And you would be correct.

Luckily for you, the brilliant and underpaid scientists at harkeraquila.com have derived a mathematically sound, beta-tested algorithim to help you enjoy yourself at a school dance.

First, let’s define our variables.

f = amount of fun at dance

v = volume of friends with you at dance

a = average social aggressiveness of said friends, assuming you have any

C = coefficient of fun. For all intents and purposes, C = 25 units, the approximate amount of fun you have listening to your favorite song whilst eating your favorite food. Any amount of f < C will not be enough to constitute a “good time” at a dance because you would have had more fun staying at home.

What are our goals?

As a casual dance attendee, your goal is to make sure that f ≥ C. Because of the static forces of loneliness and awkwardness, you will not start to have fun at a dance until after you’ve accumulated enough activation energy to cross the threshold into a good time.

You can increase your f value to ≥ 25 (remember C = 25) using the equation: f = v*a.

Elaboration on quantities.

a (average social aggressiveness of friends) ranges as follows: 1 < a < 10. In layman’s terms, a is measured on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being shrinking violet, and 10 being social butterfly. The general population falls into a bell curve peaking at 5.

v (volume of friends) refers to the number of friends who will stick with you throughout the entire dance. To avoid skewing your calculations, avoid including extraneous variable in your calculations: friends who will stop by a few times during the dance, but will likely spend the majority of their time at the photobooth/with their date/with cooler friends.

In order to have fun at a dance, you must either increase the number of friends going with you or find friends socially aggressive enough to force you into situations you wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to initiate on your own.

For example, if you bring 5 friends who are all average on the social aggressiveness scale (5), you will have exactly met the activation energy requirement to have fun. Contrarily, you could bring 3 friends with a very gregarious average social aggressiveness (9) and also meet the requirement of f ≥ C.

Answer Key:

a = (a1+a2+a3+a5)/4, a = (3+7+5+4)/4, a = 4.75, v = 4  

(note: Friend 4 excluded because he/she is an extraneous variable)

f = a*v     f = 4.75*4     f = 19.

Is f ≥ C = 25?

No. Your f value is less than 25, and you do not cross the threshold into fun. You feel slightly put out and disappointed because you got dressed up for nothing. It’s okay, we’ve all been there.

Thankfully, this is just a practice problem. With the right components, you can calculate your way out of ever being in this position.

As you can see, it doesn’t take human connections or social skills to have fun at a dance. Using this algorithm, you can approach Harker Homecoming the way you approach everything else: with math.