Alright, I’ll admit; when my editor assigned me this article to work on, I neither owned nor knew how to tie a bow tie. After I bought one, I decided to keep a running journal of my slow, painful ordeal experience.

After I finally learned how to do it, I realized that learning to tie a bow tie is a carefully honed skill, bordering on art. I also promised myself that I would never do it again.

Sunday, 1:02 PM: Captain’s log. Stardate: 1 day to AP week. A bow tie is smaller than a regular tie (which I can’t tie very well), so this must be easier to work with.

1:05 PM: Loaded Wikipedia… they have a very nice graphic on the whole process. Only 8 steps! This should take me a couple of minutes.

1:09 PM: Stuck on Step 3. My tie is not that long! How on earth do they expect me to twist it into a knot like that?

1: 12 PM: Found the adjustment strap on the tie. After the “facepalm” moment was over, I made it as long as I possibly could.

1:14 PM: Stuck on step 7. What is that arrow telling me to do? Wikipedia also tells me that Croatian Mercenaries invented the tie by using scarves to hold together their shirts. So I guess I can thank them for my present dilemma.

1:19 PM: I have given up on Wikipedia; I guess it’s not a “reliable source” after all. I’m getting slightly annoyed with how difficult this is. Anyway, I found another graphic on Google that looks much simpler – here goes.

1:24 PM: ASDFJK:LJA:LKJF:KJAG:KJG:JGjfWHYWHYWHYWHYWON’TYOUTIETIETIE

1:25 PM: I give up on images; I’m headed to YouTube for help. I don’t know why I trusted a static image to do the job for me in the first place. The first result from the search looks promising.

1:30 PM: Almost there! I have something that looks vaguely like a bow that only stays together because I’m holding it with my spare hand.

1:33 PM: I let go of the half-finished bow a minute ago and the knot fell apart. Back to square 1. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in…

1:40 PM: I DID IT! I thank everyone on earth that this is finally over. I straighten it out and look in the mirror – it really does look like a bow tie!

1: 44 PM: Showed my magnum opus to my parents, who informed me it was too loose. I give up.

Here’s how to tie a bow tie:

1. Turn up your shirt collar and hang the tie around your neck. Allow one side of the tie to hang about two inches lower than the other.

2. Cross the two sides over each other.

3. Pull the longer end of the tie through the loop created by the crossover. Once it is through the loop, sling it over your shoulder for later.

4. Fold the shorter end of the tie into a bow. Press the bow against your collar.

5. Bring the longer end of the tie over the bow, making sure to hold the shorter end in place.

6. Press the bow flat.

7. (The tricky part). Locate the small hole behind the first bow formed by the tie. Once you have located it, fold the longer end into its own bow and slip it through the hole.

8. Pull tight and adjust the tie.