Don’t write me a love song
Do you have a romantic heart yearning for companionship? Is your soul as deep as the oceans of your own tears? Never fear! Follow this simple guide, and you'll never be lonely again!
May 24, 2015
Are you tired of “hilariously” turning Valentine’s Day into “Singles Awareness Day” on Facebook? Sick of feeling pressured to use “Single Ladies” as your de facto anthem? Coming to the shocking realization that hours of Netflix can never fill the aching gap below your sternum? Well you’ve come to the right place. As a self-certified love expert, I might not have first-hand relationship experience, emotional maturity, or even an actual heart (I pawned it off for textbooks), but I do have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of romantic comedies at my disposal. And at some point in my years of compulsive movie binging, I noticed a pattern: romantic compatibility is inextricably linked to “good” musical taste. So how do you find love in a world that idolizes Taylor Swift and One Direction? It’s as easy as a minor third progression.
Nevit Dilmen
Neon Music Sign
For music enthusiasts
For music enthusiasts: Maybe you don’t have the refined palette and genre exclusivism of a music snob, but you’re still cultured enough. If you play your cards right and only expose yourself to “good music,” you might still have a chance at love. What is “good music”? Nobody is really sure, but a good rule of thumb is that the more random a band’s name is, the better they must be. (R.E.M.: good. Pink Floyd: better. Flamingo Saliva: godlike.)
For the mainstream
For the mainstream: Do you listen exclusively to the top 40? Do you worship Beyonce? but aren’t quite sure why? Years of film study has taught me that if a large group of people come to a consensus that something is good, IT MUST BE TERRIBLE. Don’t worry; it might not be too late. Burn your UGGs, go on a three-day retreat to detox all traces of Starbucks from your system, and start 24-hour vinyl therapy. You’ll never make a full recovery, but if you’re lucky enough to capture the heart of someone with far superior music taste, just remember to defer to their judgement. Treasure each one of those hand-painted mixtapes. For everyone else: Maybe you just don’t feel that strongly about music. Maybe you listen to podcasts and “Fresh Air with Terry Gross.” Love is impossible for you. Resign yourself to a life of friendly isolation.
For music snobs
For music snobs: You have a lot of options. As your culturally elitist taste in music proves, you’re a complicated, intelligent, sensitive soul and march to the beat of your own drum. Therefore, you should have very high standards. If any prospective partners don’t share your love for post-modern indie punk rock or understand that the strangled twangs of the electric guitars represent the strangled angst of your soul, drop them faster than you’d drop a beat. If reputable sources like “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and “High Fidelity” have taught me anything, it’s that diverging musical tastes are really just symptoms of deeply rooted, insurmountable incompatibility.