Growing up in Silicon Valley (the real real story)

America as a society seems to have a fascination with certain places. New York, Hollywood and recently, Silicon Valley.

There may not be a song entitled “Welcome to Silicon Valley” in 1989, but there are still several new TV shows centered around it, like the aptly named “Silicon Valley” on HBO. The Internet is populated with dozens of articles entitled “You know you live in Silicon Valley if…” or “14 Things You Don’t Understand About Silicon Valley.”

But what is it really like to grow up in Silicon Valley? I decided to search the Interwebs for what people think are the hallmarks of the Valley lifestyle and debunk all the outlandish myths I find in the nooks of Buzzfeed and the crannies of Reddit. After all, Silicon Valley residents are more than just a series of tired generalizations.

“The real estate prices are ridiculous.”

This one is actually true. Lucky guess. It’s only because we have awesome weather.

“When people say ‘it’s freezing,’ they mean ‘it’s 60 degrees’.”

Um, 60 degrees is freezing the last time I checked, and anyone who says otherwise has clearly never seen my wardrobe. What kind of stuff do they think we own? Long johns? Parkas? Walls with insulation?

Everyone is really into math and science.”

That isn’t even close to correct. The term “everyone”  doesn’t semantically account for the 13.7% of Harker students in the conservatory. Furthermore, the phrase “into math and science” connotes free will which excludes the 12.2% who partake in STEM due to parental or cultural pressures. If we factor in the margin of error created by the verbal uncertainty of “really” we can conclude that only 71.4% of Silicon Valley residents are “really into math and science.” Get your facts straight, random Internet person.

“People talk like surfers, so you can expect calls of ‘dude’ and ‘dudette.’“

Nobody says ‘dudette.’ What do they think this is, the ’80’s? That’s hella offensive, bro.

“Half the cars on the road are hybrids.”

Pfft. More like half the cards on the road are electric. Hybrids are so 2011.

“People anticipate Apple releases more than new music releases.”

I may have watched some of the Apple keynotes live, but that doesn’t mean anything. I bet the next one will be completely off base.

“Everyone has clothing with tech company logos.”

… Pass.

“You know multiple people who work at Google.”

Okay, this is true too. But these are just cursory details. It’s not that hard to figure out that a  lot of people who live near Google work there. I’m sure the rest of these are hilariously untrue.

“People worship Chipotle.”

Oh, COME ON. These can’t possibly all be true. There has got to be AT LEAST ONE myth I can debunk! One! That’s all I want!

“Everyone says stuff is ‘gnarly’.” 

HA! Take that, Internet! I found one! This is wrong, wrong, WRONG. No one, not one person I know says ‘gnarly’. I knew that arbitrary lists online could never define where I live. I am my own person, and Silicon Valley is more than just a list of clichés.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my CS homework.

This piece was originally published in the pages of Wingspan on January 28, 2015.